Tom's Practice Journal

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  • #1159

    Hello enlightened world.  This is my first attempt at a practice journal despite having meditated for years.

    Just a preliminary note for this log:  My regular entries will not be this verbose.  I am explaining a lot about myself and my motivation in this first post as a mixture of confession and context.  In the future I will try to contain myself to the template provided by Alan Smithee via Kenneth Folk to whom I am very grateful.

    I have watched (lurked) in awe as people swing by, tick off the attainments and move on.   My fervent wish is to make some serious progress with the help of this community, a consistent practice and the logging of it here.

    The path of a solitary realizer (unatained!) has been a very up-and-down affair; the succeses being very hard won.

    My largest area of doubt has been about myself being able to accomplish paths due to my own moral inadequacies and general worthiness.  I understand that this in itself is a serious form of conceit and my hope in putting this down in zeroes and ones will permit me to overcome that weakness.

    I will use predominantly the Mahasi Noting method.

    My technique history to this point has been an asynchronous melange of Sattiphathana,  Noting,  Vipassana (goenka) and open awareness.

    I have done about three goenka 10 day retreats and a couple of self-retreats at my woodsy cabin in southern germany.

    I have been sitting virtually daily for over 5 years.  I generally look forward to my sits but often feel a bit of performance / accomplishment pressure.

    I have been in a dark night for at least a year and a half after a booming A&P on a self-retreat.  This has conspired with other events in my personal drama to remove a lot of joy from my life.  This fact inspires me toward a path attainment for the benefit of those that are forced to put up with me as much as the usual  reasons such as ending my personal suffering et al.

    About a month ago I wiggled and squirmed into Equanimity Towards Formation and while my sitting since then has been consistent (meaning I CAN sit for more than 10 minutes) the brilliance, clarity and peace of what I believe to have been High EQ has been absent lately.  One of my greatest weaknesses is my inability to say where I am on the maps.  This means that I’m not sure of the signposts for each of the nana.  Eg: Mind and body seems almost too obvious, C&E sometimes but rarely presents as a fluttering synched with the breath but is mostly unnoticed. There is a storm of chaotic or self-chastisement thoughts or face tingling which might be CCC, There is an energetic Yawn which could be A&P, then there is a melange of jumping around while noting.  If its a good focused sit I find myself tending toward Jhana solidification 3rd to fourth.  Methinks!

    Nevertheless, my sits are consistant and my noting is pretty precise, getting progressively finer as the sit progresses.  I try to sit twice a day and have almost no excuses not to do this.  The goal is 2 X 1 hour sits until I get a cessation (which has not happenned in uncounted lifetimes).  I log my sits in a worksheet.

    Today (Saturday 09-02-2012) european format dd-mm-yyyy

    Sit 1

    Length of Sit: 50 minutes
    Where/Posture: Samadhi* / Siddhasana
    Pre-Meditative Context: Saturday – puttering
    Cutting Edge Insight Stage of the Session: 6-9 nana**
    Meditative Technique(s) Utilized: anapanasati start, to noting
    General Thoughts/Reflections: fairly focused, minimal hindrances, progressive      practice, current back pain makes long sits uncomfortable
    What Worked? What Didn’t?: noting worked
    What Sensations/Phenomenon Arose, and How Were They Noted: there are visual phenomena which arise which I note, they appear “in front” of my closed eyes and Irefer to them as “Nebulae” as the are dynamic flowing visual phenomena apparently emanating from “near me” and sliding away “from me”. I try to note the sense (seeing) and make a note of one of the characteristics eg: annica, annata, dukkha.  sometimes I note the feeling tone.
    Goal(s) for Next Session: My goal is stream entry, my next sit goal is to get consistently to High EG and to debug formations.

    If anyone feels they could give me pointers on “What exactly Formations are and how to work with them”  I would (will) be eternally grateful.

    *My Cabin’s name**not sure of my assesment

    #1165

    Daily Sit Number 2
    Length of Sit: 60
    Where/Posture: Samadhi / Siddhasana
    Pre-Meditative Context: relaxed, weekend, task involved, unmindful
    Cutting Edge Insight Stage of the Session: low eq
    Meditative Technique(s) Utilized: 10 min anapana, 50 min mahasi noting
    General Thoughts/Reflections: early scattered, later focused, no insights
    What Worked? What Didn’t?: anapana worked to push me through the nanas to a wobbly peace where noting was pretty clear and precise. frittered off into thoughts.
    What Sensations/Phenomenon Arose, and How Were They Noted: the general run of things is as follows: anapana brings focus and after about 10 minutes, piti rises in the form of tingling champagne bubles rising on my upper cheeks but predominantly on the temples and hairline.  After about 20 minutes to a half an hour krias a “rush” or energetic event (transition to ???) forces eye-squiniting and a sense of release (A&P?).  The next phase is activated by noting everything.  I notice two distinct internal sounds which I note as SHRI (high tone) of OM (low tone.  I believe them to be generated by genuine physiological processes (nervous system and blood circulation respectively) and they remain throughout the session and are noticable whenever attention is turned toward them.  Somwhere around 40 minutes energies flow up the spine and seem to gather at the throat chackra and brain stem.  They can generat krias when focus is directed to them.  My main way of dealing with them is noting them and “tranquilizing” them as specified in the Satipattana sutta.  This generally leads to an apparent  widening of the field of attention, is often accompanied bybodily bliss and sukkha manifesting in a subtle grin.  Methinks 3rd jhana to fourth jhana territory but I’m not certain.  From here its pretty easy to devolve into a more solidified jhana if I want to or if I’m lazy.

    Goal(s) for Next Session:  High EQ / SE

    #1179

     

    Date:10-02-2013

    Length of Sit: 60

    Where/Posture:Hacksberg

    Pre-Meditative Context: sunday, relaxed routine, long walk

    Cutting Edge Insight Stage of the Session: 2nd jhana

    Meditative Technique(s) Utilized:satipatthana for first 15 minutes until piti rose , noting then solidified to jhana unsuccessful

    General Thoughts/Reflections: spacey, unfocused drifting. strong piti, energetics in head- stalled at transition from 2nd to 3rd jhana.  could not get the right focus on sukkha to allow the piti to fade.  noting was good at first then i drifted off to lots of stray thoughts and changed the goal to shamata from vipassana. dissapointing

    What Worked? What Didn’t?: tranquility worked, too many distracting thoughts did not allow vipassana to deepen

    What Sensations/Phenomenon Arose, and How Were They Noted:  noting was not happening well.  lots of energetics, mindfullness weak, enrgy good

    Goal(s) for Next Session:

    VIPASSANA! NOTING

     

    #1197

    Rob_Mtl
    Member

    One of the things that characterizes the 3rd jhana is panoramic awareness. Which sounds lovely, except that it means you suddenly start catching stray perceptions and thoughts from every direction. So it feels like your focus is shot, when in fact your awareness is widening. So even if you’re doing a “samatha” session, you could switch to noting as a tactic, or (if you can), just don’t pick up the bait of the thoughts and sensations, and  just rest in the confidence that this sense of “losing focus” is a natural evolution from 2nd jhana. (Easier said than done, I know :) )

     

    #1211

    Thanks for the pointers Rob…its strangely accurate and fitting to what I’ve been experiencing lately.  Sometimes I am very clear and successful at letting that ever-changeing scenery flow by: noticing, noting and moving on, sometimes sucked right into it, generally when tired.

    11.02.2013  one sitting

    Length of Sit: 50
    Where/Posture: Samadhi / Siddhasana
    Pre-Meditative Context: very sleepy, insomnia previous night
    Cutting Edge Insight Stage of the Session: dunno unfocused
    Meditative Technique(s) Utilized: 15 min anapana, 35 min mahasi noting
    General Thoughts/Reflections: tired, scattered, later focused, no insights
    What Worked? What Didn’t?: nothing worked but stayed dogged for the sit

    12.02.2013  sit one of two

    Length of Sit: 55
    Where/Posture: Hacksberg / Siddhasana
    Pre-Meditative Context: daytime, lunch break.
    Cutting Edge Insight Stage of the Session: low eq
    Meditative Technique(s) Utilized: 15 min satipattanana, 40 min mahasi noting
    General Thoughts/Reflections: focused, good precise noting, progressed through facial pitit, “headband” piti tingles, “rush” energy transition event (A&P?), energy building from below through neck, throat, center head. Noted, tried to “dissolve” tension with soft focus and thoughts / notes of “tranquility”.  slowly widening visual, sensate field.  stopped when suddenly I felt i wouldn’t get deeper / further.  A comon problem for me. Must make stronger intention.
    What Worked? What Didn’t?: nothing worked but stayed dogged for the sit

    12.02.2013  sit two of two

    Length of Sit: 60
    Where/Posture: Hacksberg / Siddhasana
    Pre-Meditative Context: evening pre dinner.
    Cutting Edge Insight Stage of the Session: eq

    Meditative Technique(s) Utilized: body anapana 10 min, 50 min mahasi noting
    General Thoughts/Reflections:good focus, good noting, after the usual energy rushes which for me mean A&P, I settled into noting until things widened our perceptually and then switched to contemplating the 3Cs esp. anicca. started allowing th jhana solidification lete in the sit but tried to keep noticing the qualities of it esp. the vibrational quality of the “space” background, this was only sucessful in a limited way but pleasant and reassuring after a few days of troubled sits.

    #1221

    Date: 13-02-2013
    2 sits today
    Length of Sit: 60 / 55

    Where/Posture: Samadhi / Siddhasana

    Pre-Meditative Context:  sandwiched work day  tired late sit

    Cutting Edge Insight Stage of the Session: dukkha nanas / low eq

    Meditative Technique(s) Utilized:  anapana 10-15 min / noting 40+ min

    General Thoughts/Reflections: very rushy 2nd sit, spacey, fought hard to stay on sensations

    What Worked? What Didn’t?:  sticking hard, noting

    What Sensations/Phenomenon Arose, and How Were They Noted:very swimmy body waves, bliss, very shallow concentration states

    Goal(s) for Next Session:  stabilize eq / break through

    ——

    Date: 14-02-2013
    3 sits today
    Length of Sit: 60 / 55 / 60

    Where/Posture: Samadhi / Siddhasana

    Pre-Meditative Context:  squeezed into work day  as well as nighttime

    Cutting Edge Insight Stage of the Session:  low eq

    Meditative Technique(s) Utilized:  anapana 10-15 min / noting rest

    General Thoughts/Reflections:  very varied from clear field of awareness to being sucked into body / energy bliss, stayed clearly knowing,  good fast vibration following.  bubbly effervescent tingling high on face and scalp.  energy head rushes.  trouble after breaking through to 4th vipassana jhana.  motivation often flees at this point.

    What Worked? What Didn’t?:  vipppassana

    What Sensations/Phenomenon Arose, and How Were They Noted:  see above

    Goal(s) for Next Session:  stabilize eq / break through:  work on longer sits  see past, through to eq and beyond

    #1230

    Three

    sits today 45/55/65 minutes.  all good sits typical anapana start except last sit which popped right into noting. pretty typical sits moving up the ladder to low eq ecept the last.

    the last sit was very calm, and i went deep after about 15 minutes of noting, a broadening space of calm with ever finer focus on ever subtler background phenomena. at last i settled into the fourt jhana where i couln’t help sliding into the calm peaceful equanimous state…i noted my way out and dedicated some merit and am now chilling out

    #1233

    Rob_Mtl
    Member

    The tricky thing is that at a certain point, “effort” has to stop, and you’ll be naturally drawn to abandoning it. That’s a good thing, but that point might feel very similar to zoning or blissing-out or even dozing off. But at this point you’re probably starting to be able to tell the difference between zoning-out, and times when awareness is still aware, phenomena are known as they arise, even while the body and the mental formations fuzz out. Let that happen.

    The worst thing that can happen, if you’re wrong, is actually fall asleep :) in which case, when you jolt awake, just start noting again.

    #1234

    Hey Rob,

    Yes, you’re right about the effort.  That’s usually how I mark the 2nd jhana,  I just get pulled along more and more in the current.  The zone out thing usually happens on the verge of the 3rd vipassana jhana whereas the struggle tonight was to either give gas on the noting or just give up and sollidify in the 4th jhana…which I did..reward for a long week. :-)

    When you say “let that happen”,  what do you mean zackly?  Become aware of the sensations of zoning out? Investigate the difference between that and staying aware?

    Thanks for the first aid!

    #1236

    Saturday 16.02.2013 morning sit 40 minutes

    relaxed start: place Samadhi (my house)  / sitting Siddhasana

    excellent 40 min sit. Short anapana then noting. Excellent insights into how the i was just a false perspective. The sense of I being just a series of sensations assumed to be the observer.  Changing the perspective changed where “ME” was located.  deeper investigation showed no clear me was to be found.

    observer “seeing” appeard forward of the eyes, “hearing” seemed to be behind.  i ould change from a left seeing perspective to a right seeing one and fell the sensations shifting then realized that THAT was all that there was to this “I”.  sensations on the scalp helped build a “holographic map” of space and the “I’s” place in it all, but still just sensations and a habitual leap to the conclusion of “me, mine, myself”…all known theorhetically but today..seen obviously.

    Next goals:  longer sits, work on deepening insights into annata, work on stabilizing my equanimity cutting edge and moving past to Stream Entry.

    #1237

    Oh yeah, Rob!  I applied some ideas you mentioned in your last post, namely, I  played with the edges between “spacing out” and remaining aware throughout that process, it is really interesting.  It helped deepen my investigation and, I believe, helped me see more clearly the shift that happens between say seeing and hearing, at some point the mind seems to jump from one to the other but is obscured by the “dreaminess” of spacing out.

    Really good tip!  Thanks

    #1246

    Date: 17.02.2013
    two short sits today
    Length of Sit: each 30 minutes

    Where/Posture: hacksburg

    Pre-Meditative Context: sunday chores, dog walking

    Cutting Edge Insight Stage of the Session: very poor dicipline today maybe A&P but scattered and mind elsewhere

    Meditative Technique(s) Utilized: general open awareness , noting (poorly)

    General Thoughts/Reflections: lost in tired repeaters, woe is me.

    What Worked? What Didn’t?: nothing worked, it would have been more produtive to take the day off

    What Sensations/Phenomenon Arose, and How Were They Noted: lots of negative thoughts, balls dropped , loved ones dissappointed.

    Goal(s) for Next Session: EQ

    #1272

    I just got the time off for a self retreat in March.  I will take two weeks off with the goal of stream entry.

    Leading up to this I will build my daily noting practice to gain momentum for the sustained effort.  I will use Tarin Greco’s schedule as a template in addition to holding strong precepts for the entire time.   I’ll start today making frozen one portion meals.

    —————————–

    Tarins retreat schedule:

    4.30 awaken
    5.00 walk
    6.00 sit
    7.00 breakfast
    7.30 walk
    8.00 sit
    9.00 walk
    10.00 sit
    11.00 walk
    12.00 lunch, shower, rest, sit, etc
    13.00 walk
    14.00 sit
    15.00 walk
    16.00 sit
    17.00 walk
    18.00 sit
    19.00 walk
    20.00 sit
    21.00 walk
    22.00 sit
    22.30 recline

    and an example set of reminders to have stuck on the wall:
    1) don’t indulge in your crap!
    2) when in doubt or struggling: note/hit and accept pain.
    3) if you have a question, the answer is in the three characteristics.
    4) be mindful during transitions between activities.
    5) analysis is not the same as practice.
    6) practice at all times when awake.
    7) stick to the schedule!
    8) remember how precious these moments are and how much the dark night sucks.
    9) when alone, practice just as hard; this is for you.

    #1280

    PabloP
    Member

    Hey, good luck with you retreat and tell us how did it go!

     

     

     

    #1300

    Thanks Pablo!  I have about 16 bdays of posting here before I take the dive but just needed to get the resolution down in pixels.

    Not one sit yesterday!  A rare thing for me but every once in  while not sitting helps me.  I have been dark nightig for quite a while and find that the baseline stress can be reduced by not pushing on the standing wave…but today, back into the fight!

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