by NeverSummer » Thu Aug 15, 2013 10:46 am
Finally at a spot in time where I'll have some consistent internet access and hopefully be able to keep this log up to date.
A lot has happened since my last post in early July. Following that post, I got in quite a bit of practice -- not the full days of retreat I was hoping for, but about a ten day stretch with anywhere from 3-5 hours of practice daily. As per usual, my practice was mostly 2nd gear practice incorporated with strata-of-mind practice, as well as body-based vipassana and tsa lung exercises. One thing that came up fairly quickly in this stretch was a new strata in the pure land territory revealing itself. From (what I have been referring to as) pure land jhana number four, panorama of awareness and locus of attention widen into an extremely nice, stable, rooted state. I find it most similar in character to (what I have been referring to as) pure land jhana number 3, albeit much more "stable" and permeating.
For ease of reading, here's previously posted descriptions of some of the terminology I use, as well as of my experiences of the pure land strata:
“Locus of attention” -- basically, this is what my field of vision is doing if I allow it to relax. If I look at a small point on the ground in front of me, does my vision narrow and lock on to it (narrow locus of attention), or does my vision resist snapping into a narrow focus and instead tend to remain wide and more diffuse (wide locus of attention)?
“Panorama of awareness” -- this is different from the field of vision described above. It’s more along the lines of “what is awareness doing”? Is awareness narrow and pinched? or is it wide and expansive? This is much more a function of mind than of field of vision. I realize that this falls squarely in the realm of subjective gibberish -- I took me awhile to differentiate between “locus of attention” and “panorama of awareness” in my own experience, so I hope these distinctions resonate with anyone who might read.
Pure land jhana #1 -- The 8th jhana eventually gives way to incredibly sweet waves of bliss. I invoke “Namo Amitabha” (not even sure that’s necessary, but it’s certainly enjoyable), and the locus of attention and panorama of awareness blows wide open. Everything gets considerable brighter. Bliss waves permeate my body, particularly in the chakra/space 4 finger-widths below the navel. Activity in the third eye area (bliss and/or itching, vibrating) is common here. What’s really distinctive about this strata is the quality of the bliss -- it just has an incredible “sweetness”. This space is also permeated by a strong sense of gratitude -- the mouth forms into a wide smile.
Pure land jhana #2 -- Eventually the gratitude element of the first Pure Land jhana drains away -- the mouth is no longer compelled to go into a broad smile. Otherwise, this stage is very similar to Pure Land jhana number one -- the sense of sweetness and the body sensations remain.
Pure land jhana #3 -- Past PL jhana 2, the sweet bliss element leaves. Locus of attention remains wide, but curiously, panorama of awareness narrows, giving this space a slight resemblance to 7th or 8th jhana. A smooth-feeling energy permeates the body. There is a strong feeling of stability, but my concentration wavers here.
Pure land jhana #4 -- Exactly the same as PL #3 (sweet bliss is gone, smooth-feeling energy permeating the body), with the exception that the locus of attention narrows to a point. This transition is extremely smooth, and I often don't notice it exactly when it happens -- I just happen to notice that my locus of attention has all of a sudden narrowed. To me, this strata is similar to 7th jhana -- very "dim", in fact the "dimmest" of all of the strata I have encountered
Pure land jhana #5? (and actually, there should be question marks in front of all of these -- I'm not making any real claims, this is just my experience)...anyhow, this strata is described above.
So that happened. Practice deepened over those days, and a phenomenon that's happened before and is indeed documented in this log somewhere previous reared it's head again -- I went through a few days of the "fabric" of reality in practice peeling apart and being able to "see" much deeper into things, and then got slammed by a nasty, nasty dark night (and this really seems like, having experienced it with some knowledge about what it might be a few times now, a dissolution --> dark night cycle).
This dark night didn't have the characteristics I have previously ascribed to dark night phases in this log (typically, heart chakra "eruptions" and anxiety). Rather this one had a lot in common with depression (and while I can't rule an actual depressive episode out, when I look back over years of practice a lot of parts that I have strong suspicions were dark nights do have the about-to-be-described characteristics in common) - a draining out of the field of experience of anything that seems good or meaningful; huge doubts about practice and it's application; paranoia; pessimism; just a lack of "soul" in day-to-day life.
Bad news is this sucked. Good news is, I knew/know what it is and techniques that work (for me) to accommodate it and hasten it's passing. Bad news is that after that ten-day stretch of solid practice, I was traveling, visiting friends, socializing and had very little time for constructive practice. As such, in moment-to-moment life, I don't think I was dealing with it in a completely healthy way -- rather than accommodating it, I was subconsciously recoiling and pushing it away as I attempted to fulfill the day-to-day social obligations of my summer. Piling on top of this, in late July I got hammered with a nasty case of what is most likely the cyclospora stomach flu (I had originally thought it was food poisoning -- but after 24 hours of hell, symptoms (albeit less life-altering) are persisting even now).
To wrap this up -- I cut my summer vacation short. I came back home to Colorado. I've been using the last week or so to rest and practice and exercise -- yesterday was the best I've felt in what seems like a long time. In accommodating the dark night symptoms, tsa lung practice followed by body-based vipassana has been very helpful. Just allowing the "darkness" to manifest in the bodily vessel, seeing it as impermanent and not-self while relaxing and surrendering and bathing it in love as much as possible.
As always, thanks to any and all who read. Having been away for awhile and seeing today that this log has over 5000 views is kind of mind-boggling. I hope it is helpful to others. Looking forward to posting more technically, and more frequently...Jim