Rachel Graber

[rachelgraber]

Okay, I think I need moral support (and, perhaps, some sort of weird social accountability) to keep me going. Hence, a practice journal. I've been getting frustrated lately, and it's been really hard to sit, because I feel like I'm going absolutely nowhere. So, uh, yeah, I guess this is my first journal entry.

[Antero]

Welcome Rachel, looking forward to hearing more!

[rachelgraber]

I try to sit for an hour. Admittedly, I have a tendency to float. I started on a chair, then moved to the edge of the bed . . . I get really restless. A few days ago, I would have said bored, but that's not what it is, exactly. Now, I'd say it's distractibility (which my spell check doesn't like). My mind goes floating off in random directions, and instead of noting it in a disembedded fashion, I get caught up in it. I did finally remember Meg Ryan's name . . . Meanwhile, something in my back and shoulder area is always hurting (which I note). Really, I feel like I'm noting the same things over and over again, and without any sort of novelty, my thoughts come rearing up and I get lost in them again. I decided to focus on the feeling of distractibility and such, and I end up with a tight and fiery stomach. But then, lo and behold, no focus, and I get back into getting caught up in the internal narrative. I think the light bulb needs to be changed . . . uh, I get distracted in regular life, too!

[Antero]

I try to sit for an hour. Admittedly, I have a tendency to float. I started on a chair, then moved to the edge of the bed . . . I get really restless. A few days ago, I would have said bored, but that's not what it is, exactly. Now, I'd say it's distractibility (which my spell check doesn't like). My mind goes floating off in random directions, and instead of noting it in a disembedded fashion, I get caught up in it.

Great report Rachel! One thing that may help you to get you practice going and not be distracted is focusing on each foundation of mindfulness in turn and noting them separately for a while. First sense perceptions, then feeling tones and when it goes smoothly it is easier to note emotions and finally thoughts.

[rachelgraber]

Seriously? A thorium reactor? I only practiced for 1/2 hour today. Even though it seems like an eternity when I'm practicing, it somehow felt really short. I tried to focus on physical sensations and their transitory (impermanent) nature. It worked for a short time, then I was back to thorium reactors and other equally random things. Whenever I noticed this happening, I stopped and regrouped. At times, when I really needed to reel it back in, I focused just on the sensation of my breath on the inside of my nose. Again, it worked for a short time. I keep starting to write and then erasing sentences. I suppose that means I don't have anything else to say.

[rachelgraber]

Antero, I'm sorry I did not thank you earlier for your help! I really appreciate it! I've never been on a forum before, so I'm not sure about forum etiquette. I'm afraid I dropped the ball the past few days. I meditated Tuesday, but immediately crashed, and yesterday I was booked from 6 AM to 10:30 PM, at which point I was about to fall over. The exciting news is that my bench came in - I didn't migrate at all today! I again tried to focus on entirely physical sensations. I know Dan Ingram stresses not to get caught up in raptures, but at least when I'm having a rapture, be it pleasant or unpleasant, I feel like I'm doing something right. Intellectually, I know that's not a good thing, but emotionally, I want . . . confirmation. So anyway, like I said, I tried to focus on physical sensations. Once again, my mind wandered and I repeatedly went back to my breath. I was told if my body rocks, I ought to stop it from doing that, because it's the result of a conflict between my mind and my body. Thoughts? That's all I have to report. I think the hardest thing for me is to just keep going when I feel like I"m not getting anywhere.

[rachelgraber]

Nothing interesting to report. I was less caught up in thoughts this time, and I managed to mostly ignore the soundtrack in my head. I feel like I was noticing the same sensations over and over. Mostly it was itching and tickling, and then it was the heaviness of eyes and head I usually associate with sleepiness. And, lo and behold, now I'm sleepy!

[Antero]

I was told if my body rocks, I ought to stop it from doing that, because it's the result of a conflict between my mind and my body. Thoughts? That's all I have to report. I think the hardest thing for me is to just keep going when I feel like I"m not getting anywhere.

No worries Rachel

Sometimes the body will do things on its own when we sit. These movements are called kriyas and can be intense at times even manifesting as spontaneous yoga asanas. IME this is how the awakened energy manifests itself and the body, being totally honest as it alway is, goes with the flow. I would choose non-manipulation and let the body find the position where it can help the flow find it's optimum course.

[rachelgraber]

Thanks, Antero! I'll just let my body do it's thing.
I haven't written for a few days, but I have been practicing. Since getting my bench, I've been trying to be particularly aware of my posture. I am a sloucher, and when I try to sit up straight, I over-correct and arch my back. As I attempt to sit up straight on my lovely new bench, I note the physical sensations this causes. I think my concentration level fluctuates. At times, I can note sense perceptions, feeling tones, thoughts and emotions, and at times, I wander off into the narrative of my thoughts.
I mentioned this before, but sometimes I feel like I'm noting the same things over and over. Part of that, I think, is that my attention is drawn directly to the strongest sensations. The ache in my back (perhaps the result of adjusting to better posture, or perhaps something else), perspiration (today's high without heat index was 101), and tickling when my hair fell into my face seemed to take primacy today. It took an extra effort to find something else to note, because these sensations were overpowering. The moment I stopped 'searching' for other sensations, my attention snapped right back to my back. Somehow, it's always the negative sensations I note. Hmm . . .

[rachelgraber]

Today, I practiced briefly in my office. It's another long day with very little time off. I took a 1/2 break. And now it sounds like people are starting to arrive for our volunteer orientation event, so I have to boogie, but today, I definitely noticed my pulse. I felt my pulse in my stomach, in my forehead, in the back of my head, in my foot. One other random thing - I've been having back issues today (I'm too young for this!); when I meditated, the pain separated into two distinct sensations. Instead of an ache or a sharp pain, it felt simultaneously frigid and scalding. Back to work.