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Antero's practice journal 6

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 11:27 pm
by Antero
My old practice journals 1-5 that got lost with the old Wetpaint site have now been moved to a blog format:

http://apracticejournal.wordpress.com

Re: Antero's practice journal 6

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 11:30 pm
by Antero
Expansion and Contraction

The awareness expands and contracts continuously like a wave extending to all directions. At times hovering close to the body like a cloud, then becoming diffuse, releasing completely and merging with the infinity. When mindfulness is strong, it’s movements and deformations are felt almost as if it was some phantom limb of the body. Contraction of the awareness/attention cloud is an early warning system before unpleasant tensions start to accumulate in the body. This may have previously developed into a full body-mind contraction of irritation. Now it is just unpleasant tightness, which can still sometimes be pretty uncomfortable and socially limiting.

There definitely are still processes of clinging going on in this system, it is just not so obvious as at the earlier stages. However the cumulative effects are felt only after a long period, like little pebbles accumulating in a boat slowly making it heavier and swimming deeper. This has motivated me to increase the mindfulness and have a closer look at what is going on.

This new sensitivity has led me to see the spiritual path in a whole new light. Smiling, being kind, helping others and all the other positive activities that break the obsessive contraction around the shape of the body and expand the attention outside the normal limits help to dissolve the knot of small self. Previously all this was just theory for me, but now it is felt with the movements of the attention continously.

This system is optimizing itself, the principle of least effort is at work.

Re: Antero's practice journal 6

PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 5:43 am
by Russell
Beautiful Antero. Rings true for me right now as well.

Re: Antero's practice journal 6

PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 7:42 pm
by Bill29ish
Great to see you back here, Antero. You've been such a help to me in my own practice and I look forward to reading more from you.

Re: Antero's practice journal 6

PostPosted: Wed Jul 10, 2013 3:23 am
by Antero
Thanks, it is good to see you guys here!

Re: Antero's practice journal 6

PostPosted: Wed Jul 10, 2013 3:25 am
by Antero
Incomplete history of my recent failures

I am trying to write down some of the reasons that led to the decline of my practice last year in an effort to record this time period that is missing from my practice journal. Maybe other's don't have to make these same mistakes or if they do, may they recognize them a lot faster than I did.

Re: Antero's practice journal 6

PostPosted: Wed Jul 10, 2013 3:34 am
by Antero
Mistake #1

For a long time I tried to make the Nature of the Mind into a concrete thing, to reify it into something solid and manageable to the mind that could be taken as an object of concentration. Of course if I could find a handle to it and maintain the state by sheer concentration throughout the day, we wouldn't be talking about the Unconditioned at all, but just another transient mind state. It's no wonder I got terrible tension at the head from all that manipulation.

The mind is extremely malleable nowadays and although I did my mind tricks subtly, they we of no use to me and all I got was one big headache. This is one of the useful recent features: there is a kind of allergy to any kind of directing the mind forcefully. There is no escaping the principle of least effort: the only way forward is downhill.

Re: Antero's practice journal 6

PostPosted: Thu Jul 11, 2013 4:20 am
by Antero
Mistake #2

There was a period of dissatisfaction with my current life situation and a wish to find a suitable outer expression to match my inner development, a need to change the course of my life and be more beneficial to other people. This led me to make various plans for the future, including starting to study for another profession which I thought would be more useful for the mankind in general.

Although there could be dozens of professions or activities that would express the inner realization better than my current situation, at some point I realized that whatever course I would take and whatever effort I would put into the expression of the inner reality, it would just be another form of self-expression. It would be another attempt of the self to try to get some concrete foothold at this stage, turn it into it's advantage and get safisfaction from the situation. It is my current opinion that one cannot truly express the awake emptiness by willing it or by any kind of effort at all even if the intentions are noble and altuistic. That is just the small self trying to find another way in. Thebest we can do is live the Uncontinioned as fully as possible and let it evolve naturally and point the way forward.

Re: Antero's practice journal 6

PostPosted: Thu Jul 11, 2013 4:21 am
by Antero
Mistake #3

Emptiness, the simultaneous understanding of the absence of agency and impermanence of all things, can also be misused. My view on practice was not based on correct understanding and I took the experiences of clarity, stillness and no-thought to be the end result itself. This led to the over-emphasis of still mind at the expense of other phenomena which resulted in applying effort to keep the mind still at all times. I now realize that I was using the emptiness as an antidote against thoughts.

Experiencing the blissful vastness, openness and freedom of the mind at rest is just the prelimary stage. Movement is an essential and inseparable aspect of the mind and seeing the perfection in all it's gross and subtle movements is the next natural stage in development. The more fully this essential nature is clearly seen, the less there is a chance that the inevitable fluctuations will cause any distraction from directly experiencing the basic nature.

Re: Antero's practice journal 6

PostPosted: Thu Jul 11, 2013 4:22 am
by Antero
Mistake #4

I had a lot of preconceptions on how awakening would manifest itself. Various interesting experiences and states of mind left me in a state of non-reactivity that was liberating at first but actually proved to be a kind of emotional dullness and even indifference because at times I was unable to meet people where they were at. Although the non-reactiviness made me more tolerant and patient with other people, I was not completely open to all the various experiences of the mind and when I was mistreated it seemed like I was completely okay with it and things just flowed through me without sticking, but something remained unseen and undealt with. Little by little there was a built up of residue in the subconscious that  started to shape my mental processes in the background.

It took time to learn that discursive thoughts and mental images that flash through us loud and clear like some radio broadcast we are picking up, are not all there is to the conceptual mind. Sometimes a big unseen thought can sit on the mind blocking all the other thoughts under it's weight and mind can seem calm and silent on the surface. But it is tight and contracted silence, not open, free and expansive. Although this forced silence can feel like a relief in comparison to the full cacophony of the mental background noise, but it detaches one from fully experiencing this moment of being alive and slowly kills enthusiasm, liveliness and joy.